The Things I Don't Know How to Ask For

 

There are things I want from people that I don't know how to ask for. Not because they're unreasonable. Not because they're too much. I just don't know how to say them without feeling like I'm asking someone to become responsible for me.

I want someone to stay. I want someone to notice. I want someone to remember the little things. I want to be invited. I want someone to sit beside me without making me explain why I don't feel like talking. I want to be cared for without having to ask for care.

And writing that down makes me uncomfortable. Because wanting something from someone feels dangerously close to expecting something from them.

I don't want to make my needs someone else's obligation. So I keep them to myself. I convince myself that if someone really cares, they'll know.

But people can't always know. And maybe that's the unfair part. I'm waiting for someone to understand something I've never actually told them. How could they?

Maybe I'm learning that there is a difference between wanting to be understood and allowing yourself to be known. The first one asks someone to figure you out. The second one requires you to open the door.

And sometimes I'm still standing behind it. Not because I don't want anyone inside. Maybe because I'm afraid of what happens once they are.

— ◇ —

A Note on the Painting
Brother's Share (Hating Kapatid)
Elmer Borlongan, 1993

What I saw in it: two people making space for each other, even when there isn't much space to begin with.

https://www.artshelp.com/elmer-borlongan-captures-the-irony-between-hunger-and-food-surplus/